The men who can't be bored

It’s a quiet afternoon.

Right now, I’ve come to realize that I possess a privilege that many men can only dream of: the freedom to be home almost every day. Not needing to commute and experience the rush hours of Jakarta is a blessing. Sure, after months of this routine, it can start to feel like an episode of a never-ending horror story, but there’s something undeniably satisfying about kicking back and tackling the day in my favorite boxers, or lack thereof.

However, there is a lurking danger in being this comfortable, especially for us men. We’re hardwired to be competitive, thrill-seeking creatures. We crave excitement and the rush of adrenaline, so when faced with the monotony of “freedom”, it becomes too easy for us to wonder off the path and seek little jolts of excitement.

While that may sound like a good thing, most of us choose the easiest way to quench that thirst. A quick fix, if I can call it. Where do we find this quick fix?

Yes, our smartphones.

For young men navigating the tumultuous waters of adolescence and even adulthood, boredom is often viewed with disdain.

In a world dominated by the constant buzz of social media notifications and an endless scroll of curated content, boredom has taken form into a “disease”. Everything, and everyone is out looking for a dopamine hit. Looking busy is almost as important than actually being busy.

I believe this aversion to boredom can be perilous. In an age where instant gratification reigns supreme, the danger lies not merely in the discomfort of being bored, but in what that discomfort drives young, and even older men to seek out instead.

Social media, video games, and streaming platforms provide an easy escape from the gnawing emptiness of boredom, but this escape can have detrimental effects to a man’s mind. Endless scrolling through perfectly curated lives can lead to feelings of inadequacy, envy, lethargy, and many, if not all, lead to pornography.

Many around me insist that it’s perfectly normal for a man to indulge in pornography, and I can’t help but nod in agreement. After all, I’m a man myself, and there are moments when I partake in this pastime.

However, what truly concerns me is the alarming trend among young men who turn to pornography not out of necessity but simply because they’re bored and have nothing better to do. Whenever a sliver of free time presents itself, pornography seems to be the go-to source of “entertainment.”

Now, one might argue that what a man does in the privacy of his own home is his business. I absolutely agree. As a staunch individualist, I believe that each man is responsible for his own actions—or inactions, for that matter. However, we must also recognize the profound influence of media in shaping the minds of men, particularly the impressionable young ones.

So why am I so concerned about how men cope with boredom?

If this were 20 years ago, I might shrug it off and say, “I don’t care.”

However, here we are in the digital age, and I can’t help but feel that men’s neurological and physiological abilities haven’t quite kept pace with the rise of smartphones and technology. With no regulatory laws governing how we use these devices (despite the overwhelming evidence on how they impact us), it’s a bit like giving kids the keys to a candy or toy store—without any supervision. This lack of oversight is mind boggling and has, in my opinion, adversely impacted the male population as a whole, regardless of class, culture and race.

The rampant overconsumption of pornography, video games, TikTok, and other forms of “cheap thrills” can lead to a state of “brain rot.” This condition comes with a side of cognitive decline, foggy thinking, a reduced attention span, and, worst of all, addiction. It’s like a a one-way ticket to a mindless abyss, where the only thing thriving is your screen time.

Research has consistently shown that in heterosexual men, the overconsumption of pornography lead to isolation, the destruction of personal relationships with their partners, unrealistic sexual standards of women, and worst of all, their overall physical healths decline.

There’s a recent survey in the United States in 2018 that find:

“…..more than 2,000 married adults discovered that twho began watching porn regularly after their marriage. These effects were magnified exponentially in men who were in their 30s and 20s, respectively.”

I can't find such studies being conducted in Indonesia, so I can't confirm the numbers, but due to the universal destructive nature of pornography, I would assume the damage is similar, if not more.

This doesn’t just affect young and straight men, the gays are equally as affected. They find that men who regularly consume pornography at high rates demonstrate a marked increase in their tolerance of abnormal sexual interactions and behaviors—namely toward aggression, promiscuity, and violence.

Many readers might respond, “Oh, I’m not addicted to porn. I watch it casually; it doesn’t mean anything.”

While you may not consider yourself addicted (yet), if you find that every time you feel bored, and you think about porn, and you cannot resist the urge to indulge, here’s a reality check: you are indeed “under the influence.”

This is especially magnified in “gay culture” where a plethora of sexual deviations are celebrated as “sexual freedoms”, especially the glorification of pornography. This is one of the reasons why I don’t agree with modern gay pride festivals, not because I am homophobic, but because it has no intrinsic value to humanity and it has become a beacon of sex-crazed individuals that consider sex as a primal theme in being homosexual.

Many gay men seek out casual relationships and encounters through one click of an app, simply out of boredom and convenience. This culture of promiscuity is pervasive and normalized in the homosexual community, and it is not a coincidence that the highest risk group of transmitted sexual infections are mainly gay men.

EMBRACING BOREDOM

I believe boredom, in its essence, is a signal—a reminder of the need for engagement, creativity, and purpose. It’s similar to when you’re hungry, it is a signal that your body needs nutrition, and what food you put in your mouth after that, matters. Remember, I’m a big believer in the saying “You are what you eat.” The same thing can be said: you are what you do.

It took me a while to embrace boredom. I used to see boredom as a state of being “useless”, and no one wants to be that guy (not consciously anyway). In times where boredom struck, I would resort to cheap thrills just to appease it and blindly kill time.

Moreover, when boredom is consistently avoided, we miss out on the valuable opportunities for introspection and growth that it can provide. Embracing boredom can be a gateway to self-discovery. It forces us as men to confront our thoughts and feelings, to sit with our discomfort rather than distracting ourselves with external stimuli.

In the state of “boredom”, your mind begins to wander, leading to new ideas, interests, and hobbies that may have otherwise remained unexplored. Your brain can entertain itself in a way that no other stimuli can compare. It can ignite a spark of inspiration, pushing you to engage with the world around us in meaningful ways.

Learning to sit with boredom can also foster resilience where in a society that prizes instant results, the ability to tolerate discomfort is a crucial skill, especially for men. It teaches patience and the importance of delayed gratification, qualities that are essential for achieving long-term goals.

I read somewhere that when we navigate the challenges of boredom, we develop greater sense of self-efficacy. We become more adept at managing our emotions and less reliant on external validation. We get to create our own world, and live in it.

While the dangers of boredom are amplified in a hyper-connected world, the ability to embrace it holds transformative potential. I know it sounds like a self-help class you see on television, but that’s at least how I felt.

I grew up with four incredible women; my mother and three of my sisters. I used to listen to them said: “Do not date jobless men”. I used to think the implication of that sentence was that of a financial reason, but one fine day, my mother finally explained it to me and it struck a chord.

She said:

“Besides the money problem, jobless men would have the time to do everything. And when they have the time to do everything, men will do nothing.”

She nailed it. She should write a book about courtship.

Men need structure; a goal we aim to achieve, and we need constant focus to be able to achieve it. Giving men plenty of free time distract us from the mission. At least, that’s the general rule of thumb.

However, I believe teaching men how to embrace the boredom when tough times come is as equally as important. We need to teach men when the tough times come and they have nothing to do, we need to look inward and face it head on. Cheap thrills such as pornography, video games and/or social media should be avoided during these depressive moments.

Instead, as cliche as it sounds, open your windows or your doors, and observe your surrounding. If feeling adventurous, take a walk in your neighborhood and start smiling to your neighbors without the presence of any technology to distract you. If you’re too lazy to summon the will to do anything, simply lie down on your bed and stare into the ceiling, let your mind do the rest.

By learning to sit with boredom, we can explore areas of ourselves we didn’t know exist, simply because we didn’t give it enough time of the day to let it shine.

In a culture that always equates busyness with worth, the act of embracing boredom may very well be the antidote, us men need to reclaim our agency and authenticity in a world that constantly demands our constant attention.

So, the next time your wifi is down, put down your phone and embrace your boredom.