This is for the Ladies : Why are so Many of you Choosing Bad Men?

In the Anglerfish world, the male doesn’t lead, provide, or protect. Just like the men you dated.

I was recently introduced to a friend’s boyfriend. She mentioned they were getting serious, which is why she wanted me to meet him, partly for me to vet. She seemed genuinely happy, and I tried to meet the situation with an open mind, even though she has a history of dating men who, in hindsight, haven’t always been the best match for her.

When they arrived, I had a quiet sense that he wasn’t as invested as she was. Nothing dramatic or obvious, just the subtle things men tend to pick up on when watching other men. I noticed it, considered saying something, and then decided against it. Experience has taught me that timing matters, and not every observation needs to be voiced immediately.

As the conversation went on, that initial impression only became clearer. He wasn’t unkind or disrespectful, just distant in a way that’s easy to overlook when you want something to work. The devil is always in the details. I left the interaction feeling somehow sad for her, but said nothing.

Some time later, she told me he’d been active on dating apps while they were together. She explained that they talked about it and chose to move forward. I didn’t argue, why would I? She seemed so determined of her own choices, everything I say would be considered hostile. Sometimes people need to arrive at clarity on their own.

She wasn’t the first friend I’ve seen caught in this pattern, and likely won’t be the last.

Bla Bla Bla

Before we roll out the usual trope about how all men are terrible, manipulative, or just pure unadulterated assholes (except, of course, for your fathers, your brothers, and your gay best friends) let’s be honest about one thing: No one assigned these men to you. You chose them.

And if your immediate reaction is that I’m just defending men because I am one, sure, maybe I am. But what I’m actually defending is something far less controversial and far more useful, which is agency. The agency to choose, to notice patterns, and more importantly, to discern. Because blaming men as a category is emotionally convenient, but it robs you of the one thing that actually gives you power, which is the ability to say, I see what this is and I’m not doing it again.

Because the moment you reduce this conversation to “men are just terrible,” without even considering your part in this, you let everyone off the hook, including yourself. And that might feel comforting, but it guarantees one thing: The pattern stays.

Men are not simple.

That’s the lie, or rather, that’s the fantasy women created and men want the world to believe.

It’s how many women prefer to imagine men: uncomplicated, low-maintenance, emotionally flat and yet, ironically, that same simplicity is what frustrates women the most.

Because what women often want is a man who is simple to deal with but somehow still complex enough to be interesting. Which is like ordering black coffee and complaining it doesn’t taste like dessert.

Men don’t lack depth, we just learned very early that depth is something you manage quietly.

Men pretend to be simple because we were taught (and know) that emotional visibility is risky and a lot of work, so we developed a public persona: calm, unbothered, slightly aloof. And not because nothing’s happening inside, but because too much is happening, and no one taught us how to translate it without losing credibility.

We’re perceptive, we notice tone shifts, we catch micro-rejections, we read rooms instinctively and we know what you say or mean, we just act like we didn’t see it because acknowledging it would require a conversation we don’t want to have.

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “Why is my man so lazy? Why does he put in no effort into this relationship?” And then, almost reflexively, you brush it off with, “It’s just men being men.”

Congratulations, you’ve just fallen for one of our oldest survival techniques.

“Men Being Men” is an Alibi.

See, “men being men” isn’t a diagnosis. It’s an alibi.

It’s a little card we quietly slide across the table when accountability shows up unannounced. He didn’t plan the date? Men being men. He didn’t notice the mood shift? Men being men.He is emotionally checked out? Men being men.

We’re brilliant, really. Low effort wrapped in biological sequence, and the best part about this is that it works because it sounds almost scientific, like laziness is coded into our DNA somewhere between our hairy bellies and the inability to find things in the house.

But here’s the truth: men aren’t incapable. We’re strategic.When effort has never been required, effort never develops.

So when you excuse his absence as “just how men are,” what he hears isn’t criticism, it’s permission. Permission to stay exactly the same, permission to confuse comfort with commitment and permission to outsource effort to your patience.

And men are very good at spotting where they can get away with less, especially when it’s disguised as masculinity.

All on Purpose.

Let me give you a few examples.

We’re ignorant? No, we’re not. Men are wildly curious and history can attest to that. The idea that men are psychologically ignorant is simply false, because we are wired to explore systems, test boundaries, and ask what happens if, long before we are taught how to explain what we feel.

Emotionally unavailable? We’re emotional, we just don’t emote on demand, and honestly us men feel deeply, privately, and often inconveniently. Usually at night, or when we’re broke.

We might portray and act like we’re simple creatures, but in reality we’re just selectively expressive.

Attraction is the Problem

Okay, back to why so many women choose bad men, and no, it’s not because women are stupid, unlucky, or cursed by the universe, and it’s definitely not because men are all secretly villains in a Whatsapp group plotting emotional devastation.

The problem is far less dramatic and much more inconvenient: it’s attraction.

Attraction is an awful decision maker. I notice most women don’t choose men based on character, they choose men based on chemistry, because women believe character can be developed and fixed.

Women quietly hope character will download later, just like a software update to your iPad that never finishes installing. Somehow, women romanticize this process.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: A healthy man does not constantly activate your nervous system. He does not keep you guessing, decoding, waiting, or emotionally sprinting. If you have to fight for a man, then he’s not the man for you. It’s so simple yet both men and women make it complicated.

Chosen vs Valued

Men learn this pattern early, earlier than most women realize. We learn that charm opens doors faster than consistency, that effort spikes attraction but does not need to be maintained once interest is secured, so we front load confidence, selective vulnerability, and just enough emotional depth to feel intriguing and when the effort disappears, it is rarely challenged because it gets explained away as men being men, which sounds biological enough to shut the conversation down.

Men notice all of these. We notice what behavior gets rewarded, what excuses get accepted, how little effort is actually required once attraction is established. We are not simple, and women are not foolish, but attraction without discernment is a rigged game that keeps producing the same results and pretending to be surprised every time.

Don’t Swing to the Extreme

And somewhere along the way, a lot of modern women didn’t just reject bad behavior from men, they overcorrected straight into becoming the thing they said they hated. Instead of learning discernment, they swung to the other extreme and mistook aggression for strength, rudeness for confidence, and emotional unavailability for independence. The logic seems to be that if men can behave badly and still get away with it, then doing the same must be empowerment.

It isn’t. It’s just bad behavior in a different outfit.

So Jake, What is a Woman to do?

First.

Stop trying to be liked by men and start aiming to be respected. Being liked is fun of course but respect is where the prize is.

Likability makes you pleasant to be around, but respect makes you someone we take seriously. When a woman prioritizes being liked, we can tell by the way she bends, accommodates, and softens her boundaries so she doesn’t upset anyone. When she prioritizes respect, she becomes clear, grounded, and consistent, even if it means not everyone approves. (Don’t mistake this for being a bitch)

Men don’t commit because a woman is endlessly agreeable. We commit because we admire how she carries herself, how she holds her standards, and how she doesn’t abandon herself just to keep us comfortable. She has morals. Respect doesn’t come from playing it cool or being low-maintenance, it comes from knowing where you stand and making that obvious. And ironically, the moment you stop trying to be liked is usually the moment you start being taken seriously.

Second.

Learn to recognize the fact that maybe HE IS JUST NOT INTO YOU.

He replies but doesn’t really initiate, which feels like interest until you remember customer service replies too. Plans stay vague, flexible, and permanently pending. You find yourself being very understanding, very patient, very accommodating, and somehow doing all the emotional work while telling yourself you’re not asking for much.

Third

Don’t let love bombing confuse or sway you. The sudden intensity, nonstop texts, big compliments, emotional confessions that show up way too fast are not depth, they’re noise. He tells you you’re different, and an even worse moment, you think you’re fixing him. Love bombing feels exciting because intensity is easy to confuse with effort, but it fades just as fast as it appears.

Fourth

Retire “men being men” as an explanation and replace it with something far more effective, which is “men can be men, but not my man.” This one small mental shift does a lot of heavy lifting. It stops you from excusing behavior you would never tolerate if you weren’t emotionally invested, and it quietly raises the standard without you having to argue, nag, or give a TED Talk about emotional maturity. Point is, have standard and communicate it.

Yes, us men might forget things, struggle with communication, or move slower emotionally, but YOUR MAN who wants you will still try. He will still show up, follow through, and make the effort obvious enough that you don’t have to explain it to yourself.

Save Your Time, Ladies

Fifth

This part matters, don’t expect your man to be simple, but be simple yourself. Men are not simple creatures and pretending they are only leads to frustration, because you end up expecting emotional clarity from someone you’ve never been clear with yourself.

And when I say “be simple,” let’s be clear about what I mean. This is not a call for women to be smaller, quieter, or easier, because remember, having needs has never been the problem. Being simple doesn’t mean shrinking yourself to fit a man’s comfort. It means not participating in the games that men play, the tests, and the unspoken expectations no one agreed to play along with. When they play around, you need to check out immediately.

Being simple isn’t about lowering standards, it’s about making them obvious so say what you want plainly, without disguising it as a hint or a vibe. Clarity leaves no place for effort to hide. Us men don’t struggle with understanding expectations, we struggle with meeting them once those expectations are clear.

A man who wants you won’t be scared off by that clarity. He’ll either step up or step away, and both outcomes save you time.

So keep it painfully simple because interest feels clear and disinterest feels confusing, that’s it.

And my final rule is simple: Look at your man and how he treats you. Now think, whether your parents would be happy about their little princess being treated that way.